A Kentucky Joke
PROUD PAPA

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president who happens to be from Kentucky. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Debra, calls her father and says, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

*** Adult Truths ***

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history when you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

12. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

14. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Useful Military Warnings

-------------------------

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket 

Launcher 

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. 

Army 

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are

guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop 

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal 

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you

least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's 

left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance 

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you 

just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual 

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry 

Journal 

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance 

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal 

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. 

David Hackworth 

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an

ambush." - Infantry Journal 

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay 

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous 

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown

Army Recruit 

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your 

Buddies 

(And lastly) 

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -

U.S. Ammo Troop

Henry joined Brakeley, John Price Jones Inc.—Brakeley Briscoe’s predecessor firm—25 years ago. As managing director, he shares in the ownership and management of the firm. He has particular expertise in working with cultural, educational and environmental institutions.

Currently, he has consulting assignments with: Cincinnati Museum Center; the Idea Center, a civic partnership of ideastream (WVIZ/PBS and WCPN/NPR) and Playhouse Square Foundation, and; Long Island University; and the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts. (Former clients are listed on attachment.)

Henry is a native of Louisville, Kentucky and an alumnus of Princeton University. After graduation, he joined Princeton’s Annual Giving staff and subsequently served as assistant director and major gift coordinator for Princeton’s first major capital campaign. Upon completion of that assignment, he was appointed director of development and vice president at Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts. He managed its founding building campaign for $165 million and conducted the Center’s community affairs and art acquisition program.

Henry was then appointed vice president for development at Princeton University, where for ten years he directed fundraising from both private and public sources and participated in University planning and resource allocation. During his tenure at Princeton, Annual Giving tripled and a capital program of $125 million was achieved.

Henry has served as a trustee of Saint Augustine’s College, Raleigh, North Carolina, Berkeley Divinity School at Yale, McCarter Theatre Company of New Jersey and Princeton-in-Asia. He also has held the position of Senior Warden of Trinity Church, Princeton, Treasurer of All Angels’ Church, Manhattan, and as Class Agent and Planned Giving Chair of his Princeton University Class.

Henry currently is a trustee of The Helm Foundation and a director and vice president of the Vineyard Conservation Society, Martha’s Vineyard.

Henry ‘s avocational interests are centered in the performing and visual arts, including walking and observing architecture, and preserving environmentally endangered areas, American novels and biographies, political analysis and art criticism are the reading fields, which he particularly enjoys.

Dinner Group, FYI please see attached:

Bruce

http://m.legacy.com/obituaries/nytimes/obituary.aspx?n=HENRY-E-BESSIRE&pid=154727341

Subject: It’s educational living in the South!

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?” the others asked. “Henry had a stroke o’ some kind.
He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Henry layin’ out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter.
“But I figured no one’s gonna steal Henry!”

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some
help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my
earrings.”

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying … “When the end of the
world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang
happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road,
and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned
around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back.
I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the
ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine
For Dumping Garbage.’ ”
***

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.

Lesson  1:

A man is  getting into the shower just as his wife is  finishing up her shower, when the doorbell  rings.
The wife  quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs  downstairs.
When she  opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door  neighbor
Before  she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800  to drop that towel.’
After  thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel  and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few  seconds, Bob hands her $800 and  leaves..
The  woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back  upstairs.
When she  gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was  that?’
“It was  Bob the next door neighbor’ she  replies.
‘Great,’  the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the  $800 he owes me?’

Moral of  the story:

If you  share critical information pertaining to credit  and risk with your shareholders in time, you may  be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson  2:

A priest  offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and  crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a  leg.
The  priest nearly had an  accident.
After  regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid  his hand up her leg.
The nun  said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The  priest removed his hand, but after changing  gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.  The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The  priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving  at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and  went on her way.
On his  arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look  up Psalm 129.. It said, ‘Go forth and seek,  further up, you will find  glory.’

Moral of  the story:

If you  are not well informed in your job, you might  miss a great opportunity.

Lesson  3:

A sales  rep, an administration clerk, and their manager  are walking to lunch when they find an antique  oil lamp.
They rub  it and a Genie comes out.
‘Me first!  Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be  in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a  care in the world.’
Puff!  She’s gone.
‘Me next!  Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in  Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal  masseuse, with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and  the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s  gone.
‘OK,  you’re up,’ the Genie says to the  manager.
The  manager says, ‘I want those two back in the  office after lunch.’

Moral of  the story:

Always  let your boss have the first  say.

Lesson  4

An eagle  was sitting on a tree resting, doing  nothing.
A small  rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also  sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle  answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the  rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and  rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped  on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of  the story:

To be  sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting  very, very high up.

Lesson  5

A turkey  was chatting with a bull.
‘I would  love to be able to get to the top of that tree’  sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the  energy.’
‘Well, why  don’t you nibble on some of my droppings’  replied the bull.
They’re packed with  nutrients.’
The turkey  pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually  gave him enough strength to reach the lowest  branch of the tree.
The next  day, after eating some more dung, he reached the  second branch
Finally  after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly  perched at the top of the tree.
He was  promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out  of the tree.

Moral of  the story:

Bull  Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep  you there..

Lesson  6

A little  bird was flying south for the winter. It was so  cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into  a large field.
While he  was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some  dung on him..
As the  frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,  he began to realize how warm he  was.
The dung  was actually thawing him out!
He lay  there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing  for joy.
A  passing cat heard the bird singing and came to  investigate.
Following  the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the  pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and  ate him.

Morals  of the story:

(1) Not  everyone who shits on you is your  enemy;

(2) Not  everyone who gets you out of shit is your  friend; and

(3) When  you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your  mouth shut!

THUS  ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT  COURSE

The book “Understanding Women” has finally arrived in book stores:

Also available in a 69 CD set.

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the cowboy, ‘Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one
seat.’

The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient:
‘Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the
manager.’

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the
situation briefly then asked, ‘All right buddy what’s your name?’

‘Fred,’ the cowboy moaned.

‘Where ya from, Fred?’ asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

….”The balcony”…

OK here are those who have said YES YES YES

Bruce/Linda

Kevin

TK/Shari/ME

Tom/Betty

Janet/Karen (sister)

O’Bryan/Taylor

Kurt/Mary

I will make the reservations on Monday about noon.  Mary said the place is a little hard to find.  It’s behind an old funeral home, now Creation Gardens, I’ll give some thought to that,  so look carefully.