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Nov Dinner

OK gang, last email, anyone else for the Nov dinner?

 

Bruce/Linda

Kurt/Mary/ME

Kevin/Kimberly/Megan/Jackson

posted by T.K. Broecker in Uncategorized and have Comments Off on Nov Dinner

If my body was a car!

If My Body Was a Car!

This is just too funny –
scary how true it is!!!

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it
in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish
and my paint job is getting a little dull…

But that’s not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard
to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and
bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns
inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it,

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
either my radiator leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

posted by T.K. Broecker in Uncategorized and have Comments Off on If my body was a car!

Something to Think About

Who knew ?

============ ========= ========= =====
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: G
et warm water and put Dawn dish washing liquid in it.  Pour it all over the steps. They won’t
refreeze.  (Wish I had known this for the last 40 years!).
============ ========= ========= =====

To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a few hours.  Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down.  The wax will fall out.

============ ========= ========= =====
Crayon marks on walls?
 This worked wonderfully!  A damp rag, dipped in baking soda.  Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
============ ========= ========= =====

Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops
(like store receipt
BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
============ ========= ========= =====

Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads
, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves.  After years of having to throw
away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical.  Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely!  In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get ‘sharpened” this way!

============ ========= ========= =====
Blood stains on clothes?
 Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen
peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works
every time! (Now, where to put the body???) LOL
============ ========= ========= =====

Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows.
 This way you can tell which side has the streaks.  Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean.  Don’t wash windows on a sunny day.  They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
============ ========= ========= =====
Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb
in any room to create a lovely a light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
============ ========= ========= =====

Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers
and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come.  You can also do this with towels and linen.
============ ========= ========= =====

Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer
for at least 3
hours prior to burning.
============ ========= ========= =====
To clean artificial flowers,
pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers.  Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt
and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
============ ========= ========= =====

To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet
, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to aboil on stove top.
============ ========= ========= =====

Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray
before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains.  I do this all the time and it works great!!
============ ========= ========= =====
Wrap celery in aluminum foil
when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
============ ========= ========= =====

When boiling corn on the cob,
add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness.
============ ========= ========= =====

Cure for headaches:
Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your
forehead.  The throbbing will go away.  (I prefer to soak the lime in
Gin and rub it on my tongue first) (not sure who put the statement in red here) AMEN!!!!
============ ========= ========= =====
Don’t throw out all that leftover wine:
Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces…Left over wine?  What’s that? 🙂
============ ========= ========= =====

To get rid of itch from mosquito bites,
try applying soap on the area
and you will experience instant relief.
============ ========= ========= =====
Ants, ants, ants everywhere.  
Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line.  So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march.  See for yourself.
============ ========= ========= =====
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors.
 It does a good job and better still,
leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
============ ========= ========= =====
When you get a splinter,
reach for the scotch tape before resorting to
tweezers or a needle.  Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and
then pull it off.  Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.  True!
============ ========= ========= =====
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer…
Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush.
============ ========= ========= =====
Clean a vase.
 To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water, and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
============ ========= ========= =====

Polish jewelry.
 Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and
immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
============ ========= ========= =====
Clean a thermos bottle..
Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka
Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (Or longer, if necessary).
============ ========= ========= =====

Unclog a drain.
 Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer
tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar.
Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.
============ ========= ========= =====
Do your friends a favor.
 Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely)
information on to a friend! I know I just did.

Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn’t it?

posted by T.K. Broecker in Uncategorized and have Comments Off on Something to Think About

Elder Humor

An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘Whats the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

=======================================

Hospital regulationsrequire a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

=====================================

A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy:

‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

===================================

A manwas telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’

‘Really,’ answered the neighbour. ‘What kind is it?’

‘Twelve thirty.’

==============================

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
==================================

One more. . .!

A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

posted by T.K. Broecker in Uncategorized and have Comments Off on Elder Humor

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”

That’s him in Aisle 5 – he never knew what hit him…

posted by T.K. Broecker in Uncategorized and have Comments Off on Husband Down

It’s all in the perspective

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's
prized Amazon parrot.  This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude
and a worse vocabulary.  Every other word was an expletive.  Those that
weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.
 
Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music--anything he could think of to try and
set a good example...  Nothing worked.  Exasperated, he yelled at the
bird.  But the bird just got louder.  Then he shook the parrot.  But the
bird just got more angry and more rude.
 
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.
 
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming...
 
Then, suddenly, all was quiet.  Bill was frightened that he might have
hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.
 
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am
truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action
and I humbly ask your forgiveness.  I will now, from this day forth,
endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst
never again occurs."
 
 Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was
about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot
continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
posted by T.K. Broecker in Uncategorized and have Comments Off on It’s all in the perspective

New Navy Posters

Warning! If you are a pacifist please do not look at the pictures below. If you are a patriot, enjoy.

posted by T.K. Broecker in Uncategorized and have Comments Off on New Navy Posters

April Dinner

OK gang for Lynn’s Paradise Café:  Following are those who said they will attend:

 

Bruce/Linda

Tom/Betty

Janet

Paul/Kay

TK/Shari/ME

Kurt/Mary

 

ANYONE ELSE ???

posted by T.K. Broecker in Uncategorized and have Comments Off on April Dinner

Grandparents

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE

 


This is funny, read to the end

the kids
descriptions of grandparents is too good.


———————————————————————————————-

       GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but, please
Leave your message after you hear the beep.

beeeeeppp ….

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the
option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it
is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press
5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it
delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, press 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to
the theater
,
start
talking we are listening!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

WHAT
IS A GRANDPARENT?

(Taken
from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents
are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They
like other people’s.

A
grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!\

Grandparents
don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them
They are old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they
drive us to the shops and give us money.

When
they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves
and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers
and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’

They
don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your
shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

Grandparents
don’t have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’
and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’

When
they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the
same story over again.

Everybody
should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have
television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time
with us.

They
know we should have
a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with
us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

GRANDPA
IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON’T
GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It’s funny when they bend over; you
hear gas leaks, and they blame the dog.

 

 

Send
this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone.
It will make their day.

 

 

posted by T.K. Broecker in Uncategorized and have Comments Off on Grandparents

By Mistake

Does this help any of you????

 

OBVIOUSLY… This was sent to me BY MISTAKE!

posted by T.K. Broecker in Uncategorized and have Comments Off on By Mistake