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Older Women Drivers

A mature woman gets pulled over for speeding..

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
WomanLost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.. 
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not? 
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer
: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what? 
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.


The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and

calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car

.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn

gun.


Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this

car

and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner? 
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk,revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a

driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2:Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t

have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and

hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don’t Mess With Mature Ladies

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Five Rules For Men

Five Rules For Men
-------------------------
 
Five Rules For Men To Follow To a Happy Life:
 
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, 
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
 
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you 
laugh.
 
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust 
and who doesn't lie to you.
 
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed 
and who likes to be with you.
 
5. It's very, very important that these four women 
do not know each other.*
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Copper

Copper Wire Discovered

 

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: “California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”

 

One week later, a local newspaper in Russell Springs, KY reported the following: “After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Eli, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless”.

 

Just makes a person proud to be from Kentucky.

 

 

 

(Only a Kentuckian is proud enough to share this news!)

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A Letter to Valued Employees

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn’t pose a threat to your job.

What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country. Of course, as your employer, I am forbidden to tell you whom to vote for – it is against the law to discriminate based on political affiliation, race, creed, religion, etc.

Please vote for who you think will serve your interests the best. However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interest. First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story.

This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear.  Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside.  You saw my big home at last year’s Christmas party. I’m sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life. However, what you don’t see is the back story.

I started this company 12 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living space was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn’t have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business — hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes.  Instead of hitting Nordstrom’s for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn’t look like it was birthed in the 70’s.

My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business — with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9 am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5 pm, I don’t. There is no “off” button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself.  I unfortunately do not have the freedom.  I eat, ****, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to me like a 1 day old baby.

You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden — the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations… You never realize the back story and the sacrifices I’ve made. Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail out all the people who didn’t.

The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.  Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I’ve paid is steep and not without wounds. Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don’t pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what?   I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes.  You know what my “stimulus” check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check?

Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country. The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you’d quit and you wouldn’t work here. I mean, why should you? That’s nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy. Here is what many of you don’t understand .. to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn’t need to pay taxes, guess what?   Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don’t defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart?   Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the mud of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine.

Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep. So where am I going with all this? It’s quite simple. If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers.   You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child’s future. Frankly, it isn’t my problem anymore. Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire.

You see, I’m done. I’m done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.

While tax cuts to 95% of America sounds great on paper, don’t forget the back story: If there is no job, there is no income to tax. A tax cut on zero dollars is zero. So, when you make decision to vote, ask yourself, who understands the economics of business ownership and who doesn’t?  Whose policies will endanger your job? Answer those questions and you should know who might be the one capable of saving your job. While the media wants to tell you “It’s the economy Stupid” I’m telling you it isn’t.

If you lose your job, it won’t be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the Constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me in the South Caribbean sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about.

Signed, Your boss,

Michael A. Crowley, PE
Crowley, Crisp & Associates, Inc.
Professional Engineers
1906 South Main Street, Suite 122
Wake Forest, NC 27587
Phone: 919.562.8860 x22
Fax: 919.562.8872

Location: This is a real letter

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TEXAS WOMEN

A TRUE STORY FROM… “THE HOUSTON HERALD” HOUSTON , TEXAS

Last Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston , Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the Arraignment Judge, sworn-in, and asked to explain her actions.

The woman replied, “I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work. I am a waitress at a local cafe.

I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol in my purse hanging on my left shoulder. All of a sudden I was spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol.

The next thing I remember is saying out loud, “No Way Punk! You’re not stealing my pay check and tips.” I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and started squeezing the trigger of my pistol.

When asked by the arraignment judge,”Why did you shoot the man 6 times?

The woman replied under oath, “Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click.”

The woman was acquitted of all charges. She was back at work the next day!

That’s Gun Control, Texas Style

Go green –
Recycle Congress and the White House in 2012

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Dogs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The 5-Minute Management Course

The 5-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. 
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily 
And went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story: 
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when

They find an antique oil lamp. 
They rub it and a Genie comes out. 
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’ 
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. 

The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after 
Lunch.’

Moral of the story: 
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ 
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ 
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: 
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story: 
(1) Not everyone who shit’s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep 
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE 

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Too old to remember?

Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?’
I answered: We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,’ I informed him that All the food we ate was slow…. 

He said,’C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’

and I began, It was a place called “at home”, I explained. ! ‘Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, we all bowed our head and said a blessing..and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.’

By the time the person asking the question stopped laughing, I was afraid that he thought I was just joking, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to even leave the table.

and Here are some of the other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his mind could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , & never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

 

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 15, It was of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people…

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home… But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by young boys — six days a week. He had to get up at 6AM every morning, fold each of them, then deliver them before school.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy without profanity,violence or anything offensive.

 

Ans If I didn’t say yes mam or no mam, or yes sir or no sir to my Parents & to All adults, I was on my knees in a corner, and a Belt was applied to my Butt whenever I talked back to either of my Parents, or did anything considered wrong at home or at school..(And today I say Thank you Mom & Dad, I am a much better Person today because of them)..

If you grew up in this generation and remember this, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don’t blame me if they bust a gut laughing and say SO WHAT!!!

Growing up isn’t what it used to be, today’s youngsters show NO respect for their Parents or any of their elders..and its a shame!!!
MEMORIES:
My Dad is cleaning out my late grandmother’s house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ‘sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many of these do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.. 


Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about,
Ratings at the bottom.

1.Candy cigarettes
2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles 

4. Party lineson the telephone
5.Newsreels before the movie
6.TVtest patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
7.Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10.Hi-fi’s
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13.Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers 


If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell your age,
If you remembered

11-15 =You’re older than dirt!I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life..

Don’t forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends

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Reckless

Reckless was a small Mongolian pack horse during the Korean war, and she carried recoilless rifles, ammunition and supplies to Marines. Nothing too unusual about that, lots of animals got pressed into doing pack chores in many wars.

 

But this horse did something more….during the battle for a location called Outpost Vegas, this mare made 50 trips up and down the hill, on the way up she carried ammunition, and on the way down she carried wounded soldiers…

 

What was so amazing? Well she made every one of those trips through enemy fire and without anyone leading her.

 

Here’s her story and photos to prove where she was and what she did….HERE

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I’VE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM MY MISTAKES. . .

I’M THINKING OF MAKING A FEW MORE.

IF I TOLD YOU WHERE THE SELF-HELP SECTION IS . . .

THAT WOULD KIND OF DEFEAT THE PURPOSE, NOW WOULDN’T IT?

I NEVER RUN WITH SCISSORS.

Those last two words were unnecessary.

 

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,

… you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,

… you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,

… you would have $0.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,

then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund,

… you would have $214.00 today.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

 

 

Someone was telling me that they make ice cubes

out of left-over wine.

This was confusing.

Just what is left-over wine?

                     . . . and What’s So Great about being Online?

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